what should I scream for, this is my theme park

Posted by Fidelity in

So, I'm supposed to be studying for my Spanish test on Tuesday, writing my rhetorical analysis paper due Tuesday, oh and sleeping... idk where and how blogging intermixed with my list of things to do, but it happened. I've been trying to stay away from blogging because I had this strange feeling that I was blogging too much and I don't want to have too many blogs each month. Lol, cuz I wouldn't want people to think I don't have a life. So much for that. lol.

We got home a couple hours ago from Tennessee (ROCKY TOP). Ya, definitely heard that song a million times at our games. We won the series. We won 2 and lost 1. It was a great tournament with great competition. I still don't play this year, and it's not because I'm injured. It's just because I am not good enough. I don't know what happened to my game but it feels like I lost it. It's so frustrating. But perhaps God doesn't have me here to play ball. Who knows? I feel like for the past two years I've been living in pure wonderment. With two different phases that I waver back and forth between. One phase is of an understanding that I'm not going to understand. I would call this the "little man syndrome". I know that I am a mere mortal and God is the mighty Lord. (Isaiah 55:8 right... my memory verse:)). I'm content with being molded and shaped in his hand. During this phase I'm normally more outspoken and happy. I'm carefree because I know that the pressure is not to succeed but to love of others. By doing this I will be inhabiting my eternal kingdom and fulfilling my mission statement to bring the lost to Christ (Lost get Found- Britt Nicole- great song). Ha, kinda funny that a lot of things from my last blog are coming back up and that was several weeks ago. The second phase consists of pure emotions. I'm living my life like a yo-yo. I'm up and down. This is a result of my insecurities and worries. But God's telling me "what should you scream for this is my theme park" When I was younger roller coasters were my favorite thing. I could ride them all day over and over again. I never got scared. The feeling in my stomach of everything falling from beneath me was exhilirating rather than execrable. Throughout the Bible Jesus longs for us to have the innocence and purity of youth. I need to revert back to my dependent and worry free child like self. My life doesn't need to be a scary roller coaster. Just like those lyrics God's telling me do not fear my child. This is my world, I created you, I created life, I created existence. Do not fear. What should you scream for, this is my theme park. wow. interesting thought, I didn't plan on having that thought before I wrote this.

Application: Well I was reading last night about purpose and meaning. I need not to look to things in this world to find meaning. (hello... NOTW) I always say I want to set myself apart. I want to live a life so radically different from others that they wonder what's in me. And I want my hearts response to sing to them JESUS. But softball is something that I continue to find worth and purpose in. I think it's hard because when you practice something for 5 hours a day. You become emotionally attached to it. The only way any sane person could practice for 5 hours a day or more, is if you love what you are doing. I love softball. I really do. Even more, it's hard to love something, feel attached to it (emotionally and physically), yet not find any worth or belonging in that thing. I have to find a way to separate my identity from being a "softball player." If I do this, it will help me terminate the yo-yo aspect to my life. I want to be focused on the Lord. And if He decides that I'm not going to play for Georgia Softball, but just run the bases or... who knows what. Then I need to be not just content but surpassingly jubilant.

I got advised for my classes today. It looks like I'm going to graduate on time. My major is journalism with an emphasis in magazines. I plan on minoring in Spanish. I'm excited. I'm planning on taking Spanish 3010 during the summer and a creative writing class during maymester if possible. This means I will be in Athens until July 1st. When I go back home (to Cali most likely, if we are moved out of phoenix by then) my visit will be rushed, I'm going to spend time with Ms. Desery and lil Jazz ma tazz. Softball should be done by the first week of June. So that means I will be around in Athens and able to move out of my house, take class, hang out with my friends, and be super hot and sweaty from the yucky humidity here lol. Miaje has to leave for Tenn St. July 2nd (for vball camp) so I'm not going to get to see her this summer. I'm hoping that me and mom can fly out early August to Tenn and help her move in to her dorm. And I hope that I will be able to visit her a lot during her season this fall. I'm so excited for her, she's going to do great!!!

Also, me and Brian broke up. We broke up a week ago (last Monday the 15th). We dated for 7 months. That's a pretty long time if you ask me. But it was great. I don't regret it at all. I learned so much about him and myself during that time. I learned that 20 years into my life and I'm still a bad communicator. I don't like to open up or express my emotions. I need someone that is patient with that and takes the time to show they care. I think with Brian it was hard because he didn't have enough time to be dating someone seriously, let alone a distance relationship. Also, I learned that I need someone that is exceedingly funny and goofy (I feel that this is going to be a trait that all my sisters will need in their partner after spending their life growing up with my daddy around- one of the goofiest men on this entire planet; ha except maybe Jasmin because she'd be the funny one in the relationship). His trip to Athens (March 12th to 15th) was so beneficial for us. Because we got to really see that we're better off as friends. It was kind of hard when he was here because we were constantly arguing and getting on the other persons nerves. It was confusing because neither of us wanted to fight with the other but it just kept happening. We talked how throughout our four year friendship the one thing that keeps bringing us back together is that we are such great friends. We feel that maybe that's a sign. That we're just meant to be friends. There's no need for us to force this relationship to happen just because we "like each other so much." I'll still like him if we're together or not, and honestly I think I might like him more if we're not together because we're better off that way. So, ya that's that. It's over. But not really. We ended it maturely and are going to still try and talk when time permits to be friends. I wish him the best, because he deserves the best. He will always be in my heart and prayers.