Posted by Fidelity in
creative writing,
my life
This week was everything.
Everything.
Everything that we (me + my family) needed.
The world has a way of distracting me with people,
situations, temptations that are absolutely nothing.
But if I don’t evaluate the status of my heart and what it’s
latching onto, those nothings become a whole lot of somethings.
That was my problem.
I had been running from my problems, my hurt, my life…. My
reality
Because it was hard.
And when reality is ugly I don’t want it.
I want a movie, or a book, or a friend that will take my
mind off what is real.
I couldn’t.
I just couldn’t.
I don’t know who made the rule that temper tantrums become
unacceptable after a certain age, but I wished it never existed.
I couldn’t control my life and that made me mad.
But the thing is I can control myself. And that is all the control I need, and all the control I forget. No, I can’t
control how people in my oikos act, but I can control myself and how I
react/approach the situations.
Control the Controllables.
And there’s been a certain person in my life that I’ve just
been holding onto for far too long. It’s
hard when you feel like God is telling you “yes, yes… this is it… this is
special… look how wonderful you two are together” and a long time passes and
emotions grow happier, stronger and then slap.
But it’s not a brisk slap.
You know like when you get a shot and boom the needle is in and out and
the pain is minimal because it’s quick.
Nope. Not one of those, it’s the
other kind. The less easy to swallow
kind. It’s one of those slow motion, jaw
drops, drool sloppily finds its way out the mouth, your vision shakes, blurs,
then goes in and out all together, until you stumble… then that stumble turns into
a crawl and that crawl turns into a fall.
One of those kind of slaps.
And boy has it been painful.
But what do I have to complain about? That the Lord is protecting my heart for something better?
No. I have nothing to complain about.
So this isn’t about that, but it’s a self-evaluation-thankful-praise to the Lord for bringing me to this slow process of
obedience. And yes I still plea with the
Lord, “no… there has to be another way… why do you have to take him away.” But every time he ushers me in close and
quietly relays to me through the beauty of the nature that speaks to my soul,
or the moments of openness in His word, or through a song that tells me
everything I need and more. And every
time, and for times and times to come (because Lord knows I will need it) God
lovingly shares “daughter, be patient.
For you are mine and I will not lead you astray. I hold you and that silly boy all in my
hands. But not until you fully let go
and believe in my power that you say you believe will I be able to do a work in
you both.”
So thank you Lord.
For forever speaking to the quiet of my soul.
Life is a choice.
There is no such thing as dull, lukewarm, go-with-the-flow
life. No, there is a life for the Lord-- or
a life for Satan. When I choose to live
out loud in Satan’s environment he mutes all the peace and grace that God is
trying to speak to me.
I have found over the years of my life that the most
consistent way I give the devil a foothold in my life is by over-doing it. You know what I’m talking about, that
over-achiever, “I can do it all on my own” over-book my schedule so that I
never have a free moment.
Well, yes this is me. And I don’t
always do it consciously. I don’t
necessarily say, “God. Hey, I’m not
liking the way things are going, so instead of dealing with my emotions I’m
going to immerse myself in everything else but you. Okay, cool thanks. Bye”
It’s not that apparent of a decision. You know that illusion of the small ball of
snow that starts the size of your fist, but as it rolls down the mountain it
picks up momentum and people, ideas and experiences along with it (in this case
the snow) until once the ball crashes into the bottom of the mountain it falls
apart. Nothing was holding together that
big blob of snow and it cracks at the first chance it gets. It’s easy to pick up distractions and people
as we roll but once something makes us stop, who’s there with us?
Interesting huh?
But ya, so a long Segway into this blog.
But I flew home for fall break… well Brittney’s version of
fall break (10 vs. 3 days) haha and surprised my family!!! It was probably one
of my favorite breaks ever. I mean all
of them are tied for first but this one and our trip to Maui are neck and
neck. It’s not that this trip consisted
of anything elaborate or expensive but the time together was priceless.
This morning I woke up at 7am to dad playing “Easy like a
Sunday morning” and jumped on my bed with Tucker and said “we’re gonna go get
doughnuts.”
If I haven’t said it before, I love that man.
But it was funny because when I flew in at 2am Friday
morning daddy took me to Krispy Kreme.
So I came in with doughnuts and I leave with doughnuts. Am I that transparent? The way to my heart is through sugar? Lol
But me and daddy and Tucker brought doughnuts home and then
we had a Bible study through Route 66 as a family. Today was Luke chapters 10-11. Then me and Jazz went upstairs and did dance
central to 2 songs I’ve never done before: you’re a jerk & right thurr. Haha it was so fun, and absolutely a picture
perfect morning completed by getting Tai Tai dressed in her Georgia
attire. Gah, I love that girl.
I had been running on E for so many weeks, and I think my
family was too. We had both taken some
pretty heavy blows from Satan and needed to be replenished by love and truth
and warmth. So I thank you Lord for this
time we had together. I thank you for
every member of my family because they all show me a glimpse of your
personality and love for me.
Dad: laughter, wisdom.
Mom: genuine emotion, care.
Ajee: beauty, strength.
Dash: whit, individuality.
Lesson of the week… take a moment to breathe and separate
yourself from the habitual patterns we attach to.
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