troubled conscience... or just an empty belly?

Posted by Fidelity in

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It's 4:04 in the morning, I'm listening to Human Nature by Michael Jackson, and I don't think I'm going to go to bed anytime soon.  So what does any normal person do when they're laying in bed playing scenes over and over across the ceiling screen.  Well of course, get up, sit down at your computer, sip some cold coffee and begin blogging.  
So, we're going to start off this blog by playing a good 'ol game of "Guess Who Showed Up At My Doorstep for Dinner?"  Here's a hint: he's handsome, young, sweet and carrying a bouquet of roses, chocolate, and a homemade apple pie.  You guessed it... none other than Brian Matthew Coleman.  While me and Jazz are sitting up in my room dancing to Michael Jackson he walks in my room with a huge smile on my face.  Blush much?  Man, I was so excited!  I mean, we had talked about him wanting to come out to visit but once we talked about the logistics of it working out we decided to drop the subject.  But no, he showed up at 7pm just to hang out for whatever time he could.  So sweet!  And thankfully, today had been my first day with semi-energy (thanks to all the coffee I'd been down pouring into my blood stream).  We made spaghetti and salad with my family, watched Elf and talked around the dinner table.  Then we went to the movie's/mall to watch Avatar in Imex 3D (talk about your full movie experience) ...wo!  The movie was great.  A little long for my liking (especially since the entire time I was freaking out that my parents would be freaking out) lol I texted my sister to tell dad to google the time length of the movie in case he didn't believe me.  Lol, but anyways, we had a great time danced to a little Christmas music in the parking lot and drove home (take note, that he drove the Denali) what what?  Ha, because I was "under the influence" ...of some nasty tonsil red medicine lol.
But ya, so it was a great night.  We came home sat around the tree at like 2in the morning with mom bri and the sisters and then we all went to bed.  So what do I possibly have keeping me awake right now?
What the heck Brittney Marie.  
It's that feeling.  That gut feeling I had about a week ago.   That same feeling that led me to break up with him.  I just don't know.  Everything seems so great but at the same time I wonder if I'm blinding myself to reality.  Like, we are so different and I don't know why I even have to worry about all these little things right now.  Like if things are going good then why wouldn't I just let it stay good and see where it goes?  ...Because I don't want to get too attached... I don't want him to get too attached? ...I'm afraid, unsure, unhappy.  I honestly couldn't tell you.  It could be none or all of these things.  
All I know is I want whatever relationship I'm in to be God-honoring.  I want both of our hearts to be in the right place.  And I know that we're human and that's going to be impossible to be in that place all of the time.  But still I need to demand that from myself.  
Not that that's even the problem.  I just don't know.  All I know is I can't sleep.  I've thought about just staying awake all night and then waking him up and we go for a walk and watch the sunrise.  Then we could go to Starbucks, bring our Bible's I tell him what I'm feeling and we pray about our relationship.  Come home make breakfast with the family, and then well... he has to leave to go with his family.  
I think that I might do that.  
Maybe I'm afraid of relationships.
Maybe God wants me to be a nun.
Or maybe just maybe I haven't eaten in 7 days and so the reason why I can't sleep is because my stomach is begin to eat itself... and if that's what's going on then let me tell you... it's not a very pleasant feeling.  Ha, and even more so I just wrote a ridiculous blog that just shows how any male on this planet would be insane to want to date my mental-nut-bucket self.  Haha (gosh that just sounded like the most sense I made all night)
   Just for the record I think I dropped just shy of 10 pounds!  But don't worry, I'm gonna gain it all back once the obese octopus steps back into the kitchen tomorrow morning!  
Whoever introduced me to Blogger... this is all your fault... SUMMER NELSON!!!! 
I can't wait till my bestest friend and sister start blogging... then my life will be complete and I wont be gabbing away on here all by myself... yay! 
Well wish me luck, off to take a nap. :)
p.s. the song that just finished playing was Goodbye by Miley Cyrus (gotta love those heavenly signs) ;)